Situations. 1.

As I’ve always adored Eliot’s “Wasteland”, his phrase 'LADY OF SITUATIONS' (others have written that he encompasses ALL women as one in the poem or that the Lady of Situations is conspicuously vocal compared to an ideal Lady of Silences---Oh, the outrage of the words ‘ideal’ and ‘silent’ in the same sentence—I think NOT! But back in the old days….) seems to fit me well (well, minus the 'lady' part!), anyway, I’ve always had numerous people ask “Why do you always seem to meet so many weird people?” Inevitably, I have found myself in countless innocent situations and not always of my own doing.

Take the other morning for instance. At 7:00am, I pull into one of the asphalt/cement parking lots at work a little (a lot) early and discovered 2 bodies lying up against the curb in MY spot. MY SPOT. Creatures of habit don’t like to discover that their ‘system’ has been disrupted. I didn’t like to find 2 people inhabitating where I systematically park, so I used my irritation to propel myself into conversing with these unknown and undead creatures. The second I opened my door, I knew it could be a big mistake…. This town just doesn't have hobos.

So I hid my fear with…..CHEERFUL AGGRESSION.

Yes! Hop right out and step right up. “Hey Guys! Ya doin ok? What’s up? Ya need anything? Where ya from? Ya look tired!” all the while they are stepping backwards and backwards and backwards. (Whew—It doesn’t look like I’ll get robbed or that they have hidden weapons…what’s that in shaved-head-neo-nazi’s hand? Oh, a wilted iris. Well. That can’t hurt!)

I tell them that in just A FEW minutes (I’m a liar) cars will be pulling in all over the place and there really wouldn’t be a place to lie down. I tell them I‘m trying to think of a place they can go… (I ponder like Rodin’s The Thinker) but they are already assuring this sugary-sweet lady that they were leaving. And they eye me up and down….”Uh, I don’t suppose you’d have any, uh, um cigarettes?”

Yes, I’m packing as many cigarettes as you are Tommy-guns-- “Naw…Sorry… Have a good day!”

Naturally I called the cops to report that scraggly-suspicious-gangsta-wannabees were in people’s backyards currently stealing large bouquets of flowers... (and one has to protect the neighborhood youth....)